Well the May Long is upon us. 

There are 3 things that will always happen on the may long weekend well at least they have been my experience over the last few years.

1.  It will be cold, we have not yet hit our balmy summer weather in Winnipeg, and we don’t usually until after the long weekend.  It’s ok during the days, but at night…cold

2.  It will rain.  Whether it is a few showers here or there, or a downpour that last for hours it will rain.

3.  Despite these 2 undeniable facts, hundreds of crazy Winnipeggers will head out of the city to go camping.  I am one of these crazy people, although I do not “rough it” I will be counted among the crazy. 

I’m looking forward to it, last year was my first year going and I had a blast…and it was so relaxing.  This year they are actually calling for good weather (knock on wood).  No matter what happens though, no matter what the weather.  I know I will have a good time because I will be away from everyday life, relaxing and chilling with some of the people I love.

So here’s to may long, thank you Queen Victoria…without you I’d have to go to work on Monday.

I’m excited because I got some new books recently so I am happy.

I got lost by Gregory Maguire.  I like his writing, so I expect this book to be good.  I got that one from my sister for my birthday.

Today with some of my birthday money I picked up The Wounded Healer, by Henri Nouwen.  It came highly recommended by several friends so I hope it is good.  I don’t really know what it is about.

I also picked up the Gospel According to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet.  I’m not positive as to why I picked this one up, I am not a big Sweet fan.  I saw him at a conference once…he was one of the speakers, and I just found him arrogant.  He did not impress me at all, however I hear rave reviews about this book so I’ll give it a read.

I’ll let you know how they go.

I know that we are only beginning of May, but June will come fast and as of May 31st I need to be out of my place…so moving is on my mind.

There are a few things that I am really going to miss come June.

I am going to miss my freedom. I’m moving back in with my parents to save money so that hopefully I can make it to CFOT in 2009. I’ve been on my own for 2 years now, so it will be hard to go back to living with my folks. It’s not that I don’t get along with them, I do and I am grateful that they are allowing me to come and stay with them, rent free for a year. It’s just that once you have been out living alone not having to worry about thinking of someone else. I could come and go when I want and not have to consider the needs of other people…so it will be an adjustment.

I will also miss my view. I have a great view. Check it out…

It is a great view and peaceful…I love it here.

I will also miss my friends. I have really appreciated the cadets that were assigned to my church this year. I felt like I really got to know them, and we hung out a few times and had a great time together….A even got me hugging…I KNOW!! Well their training is done and come mid-June, they will be heading on their way to their new cities/towns to begin their ministry. I will miss them a lot.

So June brings some transition, but change is inevitable and we can’t let it slow us down.

I turned 30 years old today. 

I was dreading this day for the longest time.  I have been depressed about this day.

Friends told me that it was no big deal at all, and I did not believe them. 

Well today when I woke up, I believed them…I did not feel any different than yesterday.  I am fine.

Then I hopped onto my bike for my 14.7KM ride to work and not only am I ok with being 30, but I am going to embrace it.  My 30s are going to be my greatest years.  I have a lot to accomplish, and unlike all the things i wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30, I am actually on the road to doing now, and if I had done them sooner it would have not been right I think.

I am getting into shape in an effort to take better care of my health.  I am watching what I eat, not only to lessen fat intake, but to try and get the proper nutrients into my body.  I am exercising, who knows…maybe that goal of running the marathon will come true in my 30s.

I am getting ready to go into CFOT.  This has been a lifelong dream and it will happen in my 30’s.

Things are going to be good, 30 really is the new 20.

Also a shout out goes to my Grandma Erva Deacon, who would have been 84 today…I love you and will always miss you, especially on our day!

There is something that has been bothering me lately, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I figure that it is time to stop messing around and just say it. 

I am taking the liberty of speaking for employees everywhere.  Whether you are a sandwich artist, or a brain surgeon.  I am speaking up to our bosses, those in the highest places. 

It’s about working standards that are just not acceptable, we are over worked and underpaid.  We give give give, and you take take take.

It is time all employees stood up for ourselves.  We need to fight for our rights and stand united.  If we all shout it out, they will have to hear us.

So lets get loud about our right for AN AFTERNOON NAP!!!!

No seriously…we need afternoon naps in the workplace.  We are tired and we deserve.

It’s not about the money.  If employers instituted afternoon naps, they would save money.  Less accidents would occur on assembly lines, less mistakes made in the office.  Employees would be more courteous to their customers.

COME ON….IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

Give us an afternoon nap it’s the only solution, and because you know we take it anyways!

ok so today I actually did some exercise.  I biked to and from work.  I work approximately 14.7KM which is around 9 Miles from my place.  so pretty much 30KM today. 

Getting to work was not a problem, it took me about an hour, which is not bad for my first time out in a while.   There was a train on the way, which I found kinda funny because on the path at the train crossing there were 4 other bikers, they’re all decked out in their biker gear like spandex and everything…and they are on road bikes and all in shape looking…then there is me, bent over like I am dying, in my sweats, not looking athletic at all…I found it strangely funny.

Coming home was not so fun, as the wind was against me.  took me about an hour and a half to get home.  I thought I might die.  My mom was worried that something happened because I was not home right away….but it was the wind I tell you.

All I can say is that if I don’t lose weight this week I will be very sad, that is if I am able to move enough to get on the scale.

I do have to admit though that I am quite impressed with myself, doing that far of a distance, I’m pretty much Da Bomb!!!

Well I only lost 1.2 pounds this week.  Which sucks, I mean of course it is good because it is a loss, but I was hoping for more.  Although I don’t know why I am surprised…I did not over do it but I also did not count everything…so with the pound I gained last week I am still at my original loss. 

Oh well I am going to make sure that everything is written down for tomorrow.

I’ve decided to go on a multi-vitamin, I am concerned about keeping up my vitamins being on the vegetarian diet.  I am especially concerned about my iron and B12 because I do not eat a lot of animal products….or foods rich in any vitamins.  So until I get to the doctor in July I will take vitamins and then I will talk to the doctor. 

So that is it for a now. 

You might have noticed the new look to the blog, a new picture and a new name.  The address is still the same, I just changed the Title from Jackie’s place, to But If Not.

The But If Not stems from a chapel that one of my professors did while I was at college.  He told a story that I really don’t remember at all, I believe it had to do with a British soldier who sent those three words as his reply to some sort of threat.  The But if Not in this case was taken from the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo, in Daniel chapter 3.  Even though I do not remember the story that my professor shared that day I remember that what he said changed my understanding of this story completely.

I had always seen the story of the firey furnace as a great story of faith, which it is.  I had, however, always looked at it as though if you have faith in God he will deliever you from whatever comes your way.  This approach is a little bit flawed though, because what happens when you put your faith in God and he doesn’t deliver you from the “fire”? 

I learned that day that the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo, is very much a story of faith.  It is a story of faith because of the But If Not.  These 3 men were willing to walk into a fiery furnace, not knowing if God would deliver them from it.  They had a choice, they could bow down to the idol that the king had set up, or they could face the possibility of a painful death.  They still chose to serve God, no matter what.  God can deliver us from this, but if not, we will still serve him!

Sometimes when the “fire” comes our way our immediate response is to question God and get angry with him for not “delivering” us from our circumstances.  I hope that in the future for me my response will always be to serve God and not to bow down to any idols that the world demands.  The God we serve can deliver us from all adversity, but if not….I choose to serve God, how about you?

I’ve been having a real hard time with the spring bus schedule change.  In the spring, my regular bus to Scurfield and Waverly gets cancelled, and in order to catch the one that leaves five minutes earlier I have to get out of bed about 20 minutes earlier…(it’s my second bus you see).  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a hard time in the morning, so leaving 20 minutes earlier has been quite an adjustment.

Sometimes when I am running late and miss my first bus, I see my uncle on the next bus.  We usually don’t get a chance to chit chat, because we usually don’t wind up close enough to talk.  Today though, we wound up sitting right next to each other pretty much.  We talked mornings, and hockey.  Somehow we transitioned from hockey to running, and my uncle said something that I have always known to be true, but I just really needed to hear it today.

He said:  I’ve learned something with my running, and that is I gotta stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and how well they are training and their times, and concentrate on my own race. 

Even though he was literally talking about running, I took what he said to heart.  On my way to officership, I have been paying attention too much to other people, comparing myself to them.  Wondering why I am not as smart, eloquent, or well rounded.  I get it into my head that because I am not like so and so that means I will not be a good officer (I’ll have to explain one day what I mean when I say good officer).  Just because I am not like other people and don’t seem to have it all like they do, doesn’t mean that God won’t use me.  Actually it seems to me that if we look into scripture, God uses screw ups more often than not.  I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else, and concentrate on the race that lies before me.

As for the last post, thank you both for your comments, your thoughts mean a lot to me.  Secondly, I have been trying to get over it, and I am.  I did receive some encouragement tonight after choir practice.  My officer came to me and told me that she saw some really great leadership in me tonight.  Considering what she had said before, I appreciated it.  For me it just made me aware that she does see some good things in my ability and that encouraged me.

In totally unrelated news, I’ve been having some trouble lately with my limbs.  Actually that is not totally unrelated because to be accepted to CFOT I have to be in reasonable good health, and there is something concerning me a great deal right now. 

For the past month, I have been noticing that if I stand still for more than 10-15 minutes my right leg has been falling asleep.  Annoying but bearable.  Well today, the tingling started in the shower…not even 5 minutes into it, and it has also spread to my right arm.  I had a hard time leading the choir tonight because my arm was so tingly.  It still functions well and does not hurt at all, just really tingly, and now my hand is really red.  So I am considering calling the doctor tomorrow to see if I can get in to see him.  I hope it is something simple like a pinched nerve or something like that, that can be fixed.  I hope it is nothing big enough to slow down my application process for CFOT.

If this were real adversity things would be much worse and you would not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Ok Ok, I had to throw some humor into my day.  Perhaps I am the only one that remembers those commercials from the 80’s.  It was before the cold war ended, before the Berlin wall came down.  I didn’t really know much about these things so I looked it up, and you can read the information here.  It was on the American channels of course, but I remember watching TV and having shows interrupted with this annoying beep and some instructions about how instructions would follow in an actual emergency.

Well I am feeling very “tested” these days, if we want to go into church lingo.

Things don’t seem to be going very well.  It’s amazing how quickly things can change. 

I’ve been trying to learn to be a better person, I want to learn how to be a very good officer.  My officers have been pretty good at helping out with that too.  What has really blown me away this week though is some of the stuff my officer said to me this week in our meeting about my development.  I know that there are things I need to work on before I go into college, but some of the things she came up with were like, I don’t know, it’s like they are looking for things to say that I am doing wrong. 

I am a big girl, I do somewhat ok taking criticism (depending on the source).    Most of my friends will tell you that I am pretty upfront and honest and accepting of my weaknesses,  of course there is stuff that no one likes to hear and yeah my initial reaction is always to get mad, but usually after a couple of hours or days I can see the point in what someone has said.  Not in this case though.

Some of the stuff that was said was true, and I can handle it.  Some was so off base though, it has left me reeling.  I need to just build a bridge and get over it, but I am so mad…so mad.

That’s why I feel like I have been tested.  I need to act in a way that is professional and God-honoring, because if I don’t that shows to me that I can not handle the adversity that will come my way as an officer.  When I become an officer there is definitely going to be criticism, that is a lot of the time probably going to be just, but sometimes, it will be totally off-base.  How I react will be indicative of my relationship with God, and his love.  So yeah, even though it was way off base, and even though I am mad…this is a way to grow and learn, so that I can be a good officer when the time comes.

So here’s to building bridges.  Everyday is new, and provides new opportunities for growth.