These are busy days

I’ve been busy over the last week or so.  I had my meeting with the lady that has a say whether or not I get into CFOT.  I don’t really know how it went, can’t really say it went good or bad.  Which is good, I don’t think I sent her running back to her room thinking that they should not let me in.

Then there was the Commissioning (ordination) weekend for my friends, and of course I was at all the events that I could be….you would not have caught me anywhere else.

I’m so excited for my friends, they have completed their training and are on their way to their first appointments as ministers in the Salvation Army.  These are exciting days for them, and sad ones for me.

I love the cadets we had at my church this year, they were awesome.  I am very sad to see them go.  Which kind of makes me wonder, how I am going to handle to constant goodbyes that come with Salvation Army officership.  I guess it will always be sad to say goodbye, but we must obey when the Lord calls.

Rolling Rolling Rolling

Tomorrow I have to meet the Candidates Secretary…which makes me really nervous.

1. She is a stranger…what do you talk about with someone you don’t know?

2. She has a say in whether or not I get into CFOT

What if I go there and act like myself, and she does not like me?

What if I go there and act like someone else and she can tell I am being fake?

What if she asks me hard questions?

What if she is not nice to me? 

I am so nervous it is not funny.  I just feel like the entire thing is going to be her sizing me up…which it might not even be. 

In other news I counted every last ounce of food that went in my mouth last week and I only lost 1.6lbs.  Yeah 1.6 is good, but I had just hoped for at least 2 after making all those good food choices.  I have not let that discourage me though, I am keeping up with it, and writing every last ounce that goes in my mouth this week.  Hopefully it will pay off more.

 

Well it is time for a diet update I guess

I weighed in 2lbs less at weight watchers this week.  Which is good, but considering it had been 3 weeks since my last weigh in not so good either.

Still I press on, I am at the doctor on July 8th and hope to at least be a bit down from what I was when I saw him last.

I bought my tent this weekend and I put it up tonight to see how to do it.  Pretty good, I am really looking forward to my camping trip this summer now.

So my officer told me last night that she was going to start pressing things on to get my full case papers going for CFOT, so today they emailed me and got some more information from me.  So hopefully that will start moving a little quicker.

I do have to take a course, but I’d kinda like to wait until later to take it to get a feel for whether or not I will get accepted because the course is $900 and you only get reimbursed if you get accepted.  $900 is a lot of money.

Other than that nothing much is new.  I am all moved in to my parents house now, getting ready to save all the money that is required.  So things are rolling, I just hope that they roll the right way.

Here is what I will miss come June

I know that we are only beginning of May, but June will come fast and as of May 31st I need to be out of my place…so moving is on my mind.

There are a few things that I am really going to miss come June.

I am going to miss my freedom. I’m moving back in with my parents to save money so that hopefully I can make it to CFOT in 2009. I’ve been on my own for 2 years now, so it will be hard to go back to living with my folks. It’s not that I don’t get along with them, I do and I am grateful that they are allowing me to come and stay with them, rent free for a year. It’s just that once you have been out living alone not having to worry about thinking of someone else. I could come and go when I want and not have to consider the needs of other people…so it will be an adjustment.

I will also miss my view. I have a great view. Check it out…

It is a great view and peaceful…I love it here.

I will also miss my friends. I have really appreciated the cadets that were assigned to my church this year. I felt like I really got to know them, and we hung out a few times and had a great time together….A even got me hugging…I KNOW!! Well their training is done and come mid-June, they will be heading on their way to their new cities/towns to begin their ministry. I will miss them a lot.

So June brings some transition, but change is inevitable and we can’t let it slow us down.

Well it has finally happened

I turned 30 years old today. 

I was dreading this day for the longest time.  I have been depressed about this day.

Friends told me that it was no big deal at all, and I did not believe them. 

Well today when I woke up, I believed them…I did not feel any different than yesterday.  I am fine.

Then I hopped onto my bike for my 14.7KM ride to work and not only am I ok with being 30, but I am going to embrace it.  My 30s are going to be my greatest years.  I have a lot to accomplish, and unlike all the things i wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30, I am actually on the road to doing now, and if I had done them sooner it would have not been right I think.

I am getting into shape in an effort to take better care of my health.  I am watching what I eat, not only to lessen fat intake, but to try and get the proper nutrients into my body.  I am exercising, who knows…maybe that goal of running the marathon will come true in my 30s.

I am getting ready to go into CFOT.  This has been a lifelong dream and it will happen in my 30’s.

Things are going to be good, 30 really is the new 20.

Also a shout out goes to my Grandma Erva Deacon, who would have been 84 today…I love you and will always miss you, especially on our day!

But If Not

You might have noticed the new look to the blog, a new picture and a new name.  The address is still the same, I just changed the Title from Jackie’s place, to But If Not.

The But If Not stems from a chapel that one of my professors did while I was at college.  He told a story that I really don’t remember at all, I believe it had to do with a British soldier who sent those three words as his reply to some sort of threat.  The But if Not in this case was taken from the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo, in Daniel chapter 3.  Even though I do not remember the story that my professor shared that day I remember that what he said changed my understanding of this story completely.

I had always seen the story of the firey furnace as a great story of faith, which it is.  I had, however, always looked at it as though if you have faith in God he will deliever you from whatever comes your way.  This approach is a little bit flawed though, because what happens when you put your faith in God and he doesn’t deliver you from the “fire”? 

I learned that day that the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo, is very much a story of faith.  It is a story of faith because of the But If Not.  These 3 men were willing to walk into a fiery furnace, not knowing if God would deliver them from it.  They had a choice, they could bow down to the idol that the king had set up, or they could face the possibility of a painful death.  They still chose to serve God, no matter what.  God can deliver us from this, but if not, we will still serve him!

Sometimes when the “fire” comes our way our immediate response is to question God and get angry with him for not “delivering” us from our circumstances.  I hope that in the future for me my response will always be to serve God and not to bow down to any idols that the world demands.  The God we serve can deliver us from all adversity, but if not….I choose to serve God, how about you?

Sometimes someone has to say it for you to hear it.

I’ve been having a real hard time with the spring bus schedule change.  In the spring, my regular bus to Scurfield and Waverly gets cancelled, and in order to catch the one that leaves five minutes earlier I have to get out of bed about 20 minutes earlier…(it’s my second bus you see).  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a hard time in the morning, so leaving 20 minutes earlier has been quite an adjustment.

Sometimes when I am running late and miss my first bus, I see my uncle on the next bus.  We usually don’t get a chance to chit chat, because we usually don’t wind up close enough to talk.  Today though, we wound up sitting right next to each other pretty much.  We talked mornings, and hockey.  Somehow we transitioned from hockey to running, and my uncle said something that I have always known to be true, but I just really needed to hear it today.

He said:  I’ve learned something with my running, and that is I gotta stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and how well they are training and their times, and concentrate on my own race. 

Even though he was literally talking about running, I took what he said to heart.  On my way to officership, I have been paying attention too much to other people, comparing myself to them.  Wondering why I am not as smart, eloquent, or well rounded.  I get it into my head that because I am not like so and so that means I will not be a good officer (I’ll have to explain one day what I mean when I say good officer).  Just because I am not like other people and don’t seem to have it all like they do, doesn’t mean that God won’t use me.  Actually it seems to me that if we look into scripture, God uses screw ups more often than not.  I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else, and concentrate on the race that lies before me.

As for the last post, thank you both for your comments, your thoughts mean a lot to me.  Secondly, I have been trying to get over it, and I am.  I did receive some encouragement tonight after choir practice.  My officer came to me and told me that she saw some really great leadership in me tonight.  Considering what she had said before, I appreciated it.  For me it just made me aware that she does see some good things in my ability and that encouraged me.

In totally unrelated news, I’ve been having some trouble lately with my limbs.  Actually that is not totally unrelated because to be accepted to CFOT I have to be in reasonable good health, and there is something concerning me a great deal right now. 

For the past month, I have been noticing that if I stand still for more than 10-15 minutes my right leg has been falling asleep.  Annoying but bearable.  Well today, the tingling started in the shower…not even 5 minutes into it, and it has also spread to my right arm.  I had a hard time leading the choir tonight because my arm was so tingly.  It still functions well and does not hurt at all, just really tingly, and now my hand is really red.  So I am considering calling the doctor tomorrow to see if I can get in to see him.  I hope it is something simple like a pinched nerve or something like that, that can be fixed.  I hope it is nothing big enough to slow down my application process for CFOT.

 

This is a test, this is only a test…..

If this were real adversity things would be much worse and you would not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Ok Ok, I had to throw some humor into my day.  Perhaps I am the only one that remembers those commercials from the 80’s.  It was before the cold war ended, before the Berlin wall came down.  I didn’t really know much about these things so I looked it up, and you can read the information here.  It was on the American channels of course, but I remember watching TV and having shows interrupted with this annoying beep and some instructions about how instructions would follow in an actual emergency.

Well I am feeling very “tested” these days, if we want to go into church lingo.

Things don’t seem to be going very well.  It’s amazing how quickly things can change. 

I’ve been trying to learn to be a better person, I want to learn how to be a very good officer.  My officers have been pretty good at helping out with that too.  What has really blown me away this week though is some of the stuff my officer said to me this week in our meeting about my development.  I know that there are things I need to work on before I go into college, but some of the things she came up with were like, I don’t know, it’s like they are looking for things to say that I am doing wrong. 

I am a big girl, I do somewhat ok taking criticism (depending on the source).    Most of my friends will tell you that I am pretty upfront and honest and accepting of my weaknesses,  of course there is stuff that no one likes to hear and yeah my initial reaction is always to get mad, but usually after a couple of hours or days I can see the point in what someone has said.  Not in this case though.

Some of the stuff that was said was true, and I can handle it.  Some was so off base though, it has left me reeling.  I need to just build a bridge and get over it, but I am so mad…so mad.

That’s why I feel like I have been tested.  I need to act in a way that is professional and God-honoring, because if I don’t that shows to me that I can not handle the adversity that will come my way as an officer.  When I become an officer there is definitely going to be criticism, that is a lot of the time probably going to be just, but sometimes, it will be totally off-base.  How I react will be indicative of my relationship with God, and his love.  So yeah, even though it was way off base, and even though I am mad…this is a way to grow and learn, so that I can be a good officer when the time comes.

So here’s to building bridges.  Everyday is new, and provides new opportunities for growth.

Does it make a difference?

I had to run to Safeway to pick some things up on my way home from my parents today, and I happened to be wearing my uniform still.  It was not really busy or anything, but a couple people took double takes.  It got me to thinking, and I wondered does the uniform really make a difference to evangelism?  We say that’s one of the reasons we keep it around, so that we are recognizable to others, and we can use it as a tool for evangelism.  Does it really work?

I think the uniform is good, I think it could do with a makeover, but that’s just my opinion.  I am tempted though to do a little experiment and wear my uniform out in public on a certain day of the week, and then the same day the next week wear something else and see if there is any difference in the way I am approached or if I am approached at all. 

I don’t know we’ll see how it goes.

Ugh

EDIT

I realized after I posted this that some might think I am being arrogant in saying….look all these people love me, they do for me.  It’s not that I think it is anything about me that makes them do these things.  I think it is the nature that they are such loving and giving people and I am constantly amazed by them.

 

I had a lovely week off from practices and the like last week.  I’m overall glad for the break, even if it did cause some minor annoyances.  It’s going to be tought to get back into the swing of doing something every night again.  It all starts tonight with a meeting, but it’s what I signed up for so I won’t complain.  Actually the meetings aren’t bad either, my pastor does a really good job at trying to keep them at an hour.

In other news over the past little while I’ve realized how good my family and friends are. 

My sister goes without saying.  What kind of sister comes over to the other sisters house and helps her clear out a storage room because the other sister thinks she saw a mouse?  Not many.  Not to mention the fact that my sister seems to always put me first.  Hey Lin I need to change the day we hang out this week, No problem.  Hey Lin I need 20 bucks, no problem.  Hey Lin….no problem.  I take her way too forgranted.

I also have good friends, and I want to share how they have impacted my life in the past 2 days.

I have a friend who knows that I’ve had a particularily rough few days, and knows how angry I have become about something and says “hey I’ve been thinking about you all weekend” with a big hug that is not so long that I feel smothered, but long enough to allow me to know I am loved.  Then after a few hours has passed and this person can see that I am not getting over it to say to me, “hey what are you doing later on today, because I have this paper due that I am working on, but I’m am sure I’ll need a break how about we go for a walk later and some ice cream (which turned into coffee).  Drives all the way across town to pick me up, and takes 2 hours of her time, to hang out with me.  What kind of friend is this?

The other way I was impacted was by 2 other friends.  Two very different people, whom I value very much.  Both of them prayed with me, in very different ways.

The first was yesterday.  You see when I get angry I tend to spout off my mouth, not a good trait and something I definitly need to work on before CFOT.  This one friend though, listened to me, offered advice on how to see things differently.  When all was said and done, she said I think we should pray.  I was a little uncomfortable, but not surprised because this friend is after all in training to be a pastor.  Her prayer was not a “hey I am a pastor and this is my duty prayer”  It was God I thank you for my friendship with Jackie prayer.  It was a prayer that made me feel loved and valued and I really appreciated it.

The other friend who prayed with me, is not in training to be a pastor.  She does not attend church, I’m not sure she follows one specific religion.  She was just telling me that she prays all the time, like she thanks God for her food etc, she asks for guidance.  She tells me today that she was asking God for guidance and that through me he gave her an answer.  Ok…but then she says, well Jackie I want to pray and thank God for you right now.  I am floored, and she prays, and it wasn’t like a simple, Dear God thank you for Jackie prayer.  It was a prayer that lasted a couple minutes.  Our friend came by and she did not get nervous and stop, but kept on praying….for me!  This impacted me because sometimes people get all weird about prayer, and we think that we are unworthy to pray with certain people…and my friend reminded me that is not the case.  She is not what you would expect in a Christian…I don’t think she classifies herself as one.  But here she is praying with the pastor wannabe….knowing full well that she has the right to approach God himself with her own words.

I am truely blessed….who are these people?